It has been nearly a year (middle of May 2016) since I had my first full on meltdown. When doubts filled my mind, and fear clouded my faith. For the first time in my life I was grappling with the reality of God. I knew He existed, but was He really real? It was a scary reality for me. Where was God? Did He really exist? What I have come to realize is I lost my relationship with Him. He had never moved or changed, I had.
First off, I was angry at Him. I was frustrated and hurt. If He really existed why did it feel like I couldn’t hear Him. Why did it feel as though I were more alone than anything else?
Second, fear had become so prevalent in my life, I couldn’t seem to find peace in Him. I didn’t know how to find Him. I had pushed Him away. I didn’t know how to respond or talk to Him.
Finding God again has been quite a journey. I still find myself doubting He exists, but I am learning more and more as my passions come back that for what I was created to do in life, He has to exist.
For the first time in a long time last week I had one of those beautiful moments. I sat on my bed in my room with my journal on my lap and my worship music blasting in my ears from my headphones. Music speaks volume’s to me, especially passionate worship music. It was a surreal beautiful moment of truth for me. I felt the very essence of my being come to life again. The realness of the Lord penetrated my heart in such a soft and calm way. I felt satisfied. Dreams started flooding my heart and mind again. I could see beyond my current circumstance. I had also decided to open and read my devotional, of which one of the phrases spoke to me. It read, “I am always with you, so you have no reason to be afraid.”
If we could actually visually picture Jesus standing next to us in every circumstance of everything that happens in our day, I think we would be far less worried, stressed out and fearful. I would be. Our decisions would be based on peace, love and joy. We would probably take more risks and dance out of our boring comfort zones.
For now… I am just standing on the simple promise that He is always with me. I am learning to rebuild the relationship that I lost with Him and holding on to those small moments of refreshing inspiration and life.
In a day and age filled with so much hopelessness and fear, I think coming back to the very simplest of truths that the Father is near is something we need not forget. He is next to you. He knows what you and I are going through. He has never left. How easy is it to forget that truth? In this search, I have found days where I know there is more to life than just day to day menial tasks. There is more. Deep in the wells of my soul lies a refilling of truth and a hunger for more of Him. A more real and tangible reality beyond what I can see or feel. It’s heavenly and pure. It almost seems impossibly real. It’s the journey of getting to know the Father and trusting His promises.